As I was lying in bed this morning at 4 am, trying to sleep, with the sounds of the past 16 hours still ringing in my ears, reality hit me like a shower of cold water. For almost six days this world has been so far away. Now I realize that I will be back at school in just two days, and I can't say I look forward to it. I can't even remember the last time I was as happy as I was those six days. Usually there are a few things I worry about, even when I am really, really happy. But those few days I left my troubles behind me.
It smells of home and I could feel that horrible feeling of total confusion creeping back, squeezing me with its cold fingers. Where do I belong? Where is my home? Am I letting people down by living my life the way I want? How will my dreams and plans affect my family? Realizing that there isn't an easy way out of it. In the end I have to face it; what I want versus the life I have got here already.
Before the trip I was a bit worried that I would notice that I do not like England as much as I did last time, and that it would ruin my plans for the future. But this trip made me remember why I love England so much. What I feel is indescribable. I love the place. I love it so much that it hurts. My heart aches a bit just thinking about it. I almost hate myself for liking England this much, knowing that I have to sacrifice so much if I want to live there.
Turning 18 has been something I have looked forward to for quite some time, but now I feel like a baby bird trying its wings for the first time. All of a sudden the world got much bigger and scarier.
All I wanted at that moment was a hug and someone who really cared and listened without trying hard to joke about it and cheer me up by changing the subject. But everyone's too busy with their own problems and their own lives, and I don't blame them. I am just the same. And I don't want to bore them. There are so many things I want to say, and I can see/hear how bored they are after a while if I even start.
I leaned down, picked up my phone and set the alarm on 10am, knowing that in front of me I had a day filled with schoolwork and packing. I don't think I have ever felt this sad about going back to Åland.
I pulled the blanket over my head, feeling tears burning behind the eyelids. Why must everything be so difficult? Why can't growing up be a bit easier?
It smells of home and I could feel that horrible feeling of total confusion creeping back, squeezing me with its cold fingers. Where do I belong? Where is my home? Am I letting people down by living my life the way I want? How will my dreams and plans affect my family? Realizing that there isn't an easy way out of it. In the end I have to face it; what I want versus the life I have got here already.
Before the trip I was a bit worried that I would notice that I do not like England as much as I did last time, and that it would ruin my plans for the future. But this trip made me remember why I love England so much. What I feel is indescribable. I love the place. I love it so much that it hurts. My heart aches a bit just thinking about it. I almost hate myself for liking England this much, knowing that I have to sacrifice so much if I want to live there.
Turning 18 has been something I have looked forward to for quite some time, but now I feel like a baby bird trying its wings for the first time. All of a sudden the world got much bigger and scarier.
All I wanted at that moment was a hug and someone who really cared and listened without trying hard to joke about it and cheer me up by changing the subject. But everyone's too busy with their own problems and their own lives, and I don't blame them. I am just the same. And I don't want to bore them. There are so many things I want to say, and I can see/hear how bored they are after a while if I even start.
I leaned down, picked up my phone and set the alarm on 10am, knowing that in front of me I had a day filled with schoolwork and packing. I don't think I have ever felt this sad about going back to Åland.
I pulled the blanket over my head, feeling tears burning behind the eyelids. Why must everything be so difficult? Why can't growing up be a bit easier?
2 comment(s):
Usch, känner så bra igen mig... sku hemskt gärna åka tillbaka London igen jag med..
Räkna med att jag kommer och hälsar på dig så mycket jag kan o har råd med efter att du flyttat! För jag blev überkär i London jag med, trots att jag sagt att jag inte gillar för stora städer.
...det är hemskt att bli äldre... vill inte alls själv heller..
Nothing worth doing is ever easy.
Och ingen orkar lyssna. Jag vet hur det är. Jag kan nog inte säga något för att trösta dig tyvärr. Du kan få min mejladress om du vill? Jag kan lyssna! :)
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